Posted in Daily Card, ME/Chronic Fatigue, Self Awareness, Tarot

Daily Card – The Ace of Swords

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It was always going to happen that I would get behind. I was doing so well with drawing a daily card and then blogging about it. I think that some days, I’m just so exhausted after work, the last thing I feel like doing is sitting in front of a laptop screen again.

I’m told that this is the best way to learn though so I need to stick at it. I drew the Ace of Swords today, the second time in a few days that I have drawn this card. So it would seem that there is an important message in this card which I need to uncover!

So, as a sword card we’re thinking about something taking place in the mind, the rational mind as opposed to intuition and possibly cutting through illusions. To me, this card seems to be a ‘cut the crap’ card! As an ace, its suggesting new beginnings. The hand is offering a ‘gift’ – a sword, a gift of knowledge?

I think this is all to do with moving on, or my inability to move on. I think its telling me that if I want to move on, I need to maybe face reality, move past the bitterness I’m currently feeling and deal with issues in a logical rather than an emotional way.

I think its telling me that I need to accept that, health-wise, this is how it is for the time being. I think its telling me that I need to forgive those people/situations who I blame for my recent M.E. relapse and that I need to keep my cool and react in a calm manner if provoked instead of losing my cool. But also that I have the strength to do this.

I think this card is telling me that if I really, truly want to find more contentment in my life and have that new beginning, I need to ‘cut the crap’, cut through through the tricks my mind plays on me and be completely honest with myself.

 

 

 

 

Posted in Daily Card, ME/Chronic Fatigue, Tarot

They’re definitely trying to tell me something!

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What is it with these number 10 cards? This is the third time one has come up this week, strangely each one from a different suit. They definitely seem to be indicating the end of something, maybe the end of a cycle and a new beginning.

I can definitely relate to the poor man on the Ten of Wands with all his wands, so many of them he can’t even see where he’s going. Its an uphill battle and I feel like that’s what I’ve been on recently. But, the card shows that the end is in sight, the village he’s heading to is almost in reach.

I think this card is telling me that although I’ve been through a difficult few months, the end of this period is in sight and I just need to hang in there a little longer.

It could also be a warning not to take on too much. I’ve been trying to find ways to use my limited energy in more fulfilling ways – through my art and learning the tarot, amongst other things. It could be telling me that there can still be too much of a good thing!

As I’ve been getting help from the local M.E. clinic recently, I’ve found out so much about the illness which I never knew, even after 15 or so years. And the most difficult thing for me to accept is that even fun, enjoyable activity is still activity (which uses energy) and needs to be balanced with rest.

When so much of my time and energy HAS to be spent at work, its difficult to accept that the rest of my time has to be regulated and activity balanced with rest. This card is a Wands card and the Wands indicate creativity, passion and initiative along with new growth. So it could be a warning that I need to follow the advice I have been given to come out the other side of this M.E. flare up and that I could risk overdoing it energy-wise, even with enjoyable things which are helpful to me in other ways.

This card has given me lots to think about today.

Posted in ME/Chronic Fatigue, Self Awareness, Tarot

The Sunday Blues/The Reader’s Reading

Sunday. Always a strange day for me. No matter how hard I try, the second half of it is usually spent feeling a little miserable and anxious, knowing that another weekend will soon be over and it will be back to work tomorrow. I call this the ‘Sunday Blues’.

I know I’m not alone in this (other colleagues will hold their hands up and admit to this too) but I really need to get out of this habit of wishing my life away. Its going fast enough as it is. Something else to add to my ever growing list of ‘things I’d like to change about me’.

As so much in my life, the answer isn’t as straight forward as just getting a new job. I don’t think it would matter what job I was doing, unless it was something creative I would probably feel the same way. And I’m not sure the middle of an M.E. flare up is the best time to start looking for a new job!

Before the ‘Sunday Blues’ hit, I made time this morning to continue with week one’s exercises for The Alternative Tarot Course. Slightly scary stuff today – a six card spread which Beth created and called The Reader’s Reading. The idea is to learn more about yourself as a tarot reader. Each card represents one of six questions:

About me in general, what is my most important characteristic?

I drew the three of Pentacles.

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The three of Pentacles shows what appears to be an apprentice in discussion with two monks. It indicates teamwork and that all participants in the scene are valued (as the monks appear to be listening to what that apprentice has to say and they are all working together).

I think this card is telling me that my most important characteristic is that I don’t think I’m better than anyone else and am prepared to work with others to get to where we need to be, that I don’t particularly need or want individual praise.

What strengths do I already have as a Tarot reader, what am I bringing to the course?

I drew the ten of cups

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This card indicates happiness, contentment – the feeling that you have achieved all you want to in life especially in the areas of family and relationships. It can also reflect the personal set of values which you believe will lead to happiness and fulfilment.

I think that in terms of the strengths I already have as a tarot reader, this card is telling me my biggest strength is that I am really motivated to learn as much as I can and become better at it, knowing that it will bring me happiness and contentment. Its maybe part of a recent ‘light bulb moment’ I had when I realised I have to look into leading a more spiritual life and look after my mental well being (although I’m not sure what exactly that entails yet…..)

What limits do I feel as I start the course?

I drew the Emperor

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The Emperor represents authority, structure and stability. I guess this card is telling me not to rush, take shortcuts or expect too much too soon. And probably telling me not to give up when I’m struggling to read the cards!

What key lessons can I learn on my journey of learning tarot?

I drew the Hierophant (again!)

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Is it telling me to use the many resources available from experienced tarot readers to help me to learn? Or am I the Hierophant and its telling me to use my own intuition to help me to learn?

How can I be open to learning and developing on this journey?

I drew the five of Cups

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All about loss and disappointment. And regrets. I guess its telling me not to get disheartened!

What is the potential outcome of my Tarot journey?

I drew the six of pentacles

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An easy one, I think this card is showing me that if I keep on this journey, I will be able to use the tarot to help others as it helps me. Not necessarily for financial reward, more for an emotional reward – perhaps doing readings for friends or family.

Out of the six cards, the one which speaks to me most is the six of Pentacles and this is the one I’m going to keep with me during the rest of the course. I like the idea of getting good enough to be able to help others with readings.

 

Posted in Anxiety, ME/Chronic Fatigue, Zendoodle, Zentangle

And…….relax…..

Its been a lovely Saturday so far. We had a little look at a local car boot sale and picked up some bargains, got the food shopping done (with only a minimum amount of anxiety on my part) and then sat down to relax with the football on TV.

Its amazing how much better I feel mentally at the weekend. I’m still exhausted and my legs won’t let me walk very far but I feel much safer and less anxious when I can just potter around at home with just my other half and two cats for company. My house is definitely my safe place. The mask can come off and I can be me!

I’ve not felt much like creating recently but I decided I’d start work on a zendoodle drawing earlier this week. Zendoodle is loosely based on the Zentangle method but without the restrictions and rules. Its linked to mindfulness and meditation in that the drawing and creation of repetitive patterns and shapes is relaxing and focuses the mind, taking it away from the usual whirlwind of thoughts which are usually swirling around in there. It fits in perfectly with my attempts to meditate for at least ten minutes a day.

The watercolour background didn’t work out quite like I’d hoped (its supposed to be pinks and reds but just looks like a very washed out pink) so I’m going to add some more colour but here it is so far:

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Its something I need to do more. Relaxing but you also get a nice picture at the end of it too as an added bonus.

Posted in Anxiety, Daily Card, ME/Chronic Fatigue, Tarot

Judgement Day

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Well, that’s another weekend reached without me killing anyone at work. I’ve actually felt a little more in control today which is good.

I’ve always wished I could be one of those people who can take whatever is thrown at them and remain completely unruffled. Inside, they may be seething or distraught but on the outside, they stay as calm as can be.

I used to be like that but these days, I have more of a tendency towards seeing red mist and blowing up. I don’t know if it is my M.E. (which I recently found out can cause mood swings/disturbances) or anxiety but some days I feel like a very coiled spring waiting to explode. Like a cartoon character with steam coming out of their ears .Which isn’t good when you have to go to work or have relationships. Or have any kind of interaction with people……

Every time I blow up, I tell myself it will be the last time and that I will learn to control it. But old resentments and past ‘injustices’ are always there, festering away in the background and I somehow don’t have the self-control I wish I had. Its hard to explain but it does seem like it could be anxiety-related and if things aren’t going the way I expect or hope, it throws me a curveball and this is how I react. Its almost a reaction to the panic I’m experiencing and an involuntary reaction at that.

So how interesting that the Tarot card I drew today was one from the Major Arcana, Judgement. I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m at a crossroads where I can either let everything in my past go and move forwards or continue to let the past hang over me and affect the rest of my life.

I see an angel (I believe its supposed to be the Angel Gabriel) sounding a horn which seems to be summoning the people rising up from the coffins. They are coming to be judged. There are mountains and water which look a bit like a barrier meaning that they cannot escape and that this judgement will happen no matter what. Are they to be judged on their past actions?

I think this card is telling me that I need to make some changes and also to let go of things which are holding me back. It feels like it could maybe be indicate a fresh start, almost  a ‘second chance’. I think its telling me (like cards in previous days) that I have to accept that I am who I am and I can still achieve what I want to achieve despite the limitations of my health issues. I think its telling me to stop beating myself up for past mistakes (like being unable to control my emotions) and to make a fresh start from now, working towards being the person I want to be rather than the person defined by my illness. I think I’ve know this all along but its only now I’ve started to realise this. I’ve already started to make those changes (practising meditation, learning to read the Tarot cards, looking into a belief system which has always ‘spoken to me’) and I think the card is telling me that I’m one of those people rising out of the coffin, ready for Judgement Day.

 

 

Posted in Anxiety, Daily Card, ME/Chronic Fatigue, Tarot

Four of Swords

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I feel a bit like I’m in the eye of the storm at the moment. There are difficult people in my life (the types who sap the life out of you but aren’t easily removed from it) and I feel like I’m being tested to the absolute limit of what I can take. False promises, a roller coaster of ups and downs and the constant fear that the next action I take will be either cry or rip someone’s head off……

Work is the main problem and the truth is that I’m not really well enough to be there. I could give in and get signed off by the doctor for a couple of weeks but I wonder if that would be the best idea, whether I would ever get going again. The M.E. flare up which has been going on for a while now has been joined by my old friend ‘Anxiety’ who didn’t want to miss the party. The more anxious I feel, the more exhausted I am. And the more exhausted I am, the more anxious I get.

And of course, the anxiety is completely irrational. But isn’t it always? I met a friend at lunchtime today and we laughed about how irrational it is, she gets it. We laughed at how I want to book my next tattoo and haven’t done so yet as I’m too anxious to walk into the tattooists. Completely irrational as I’ve been loads of times before and everyone in there is nice anyway. So I’m going to go in next week (in theory….) and book it and if I have any last minute changes of heart, I need to remember us laughing about it today.

Despite everything, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m starting to re-accept my illnesses and look for ways I can make my life feel more worthwhile within my limitations. I’m going to get back into creating for my Etsy shop, get into a regular routine for meditating, look into finding a more spiritual way of life not in a religious sense, just some how) and get that tattoo booked at last!

And of course carry on with my attempts to learn the tarot. When I have a bit of time to breathe at the weekend, I’m going to work through the week one exercises of the Alternative Tarot Course. For now, I chose another card for today with the question ‘what advice can you give me today?’

I shuffled, spread the cards and the one which called to me was the ‘Four of Swords’. To be honest, I didn’t really have a clue what this card means. The things which came to mind initially were:

  • is it some kind of warning – the way the swords are hanging precariously over the figure?
  • is he asleep or dead?
  • does the card laying flat indicate what you think you know but the other three indicate that what you believe is incorrect?
  • is the figure lying in a church? why?

No clue at all what it was trying to tell me.

So, I looked up the interpretations of the card in the Tarot Bible by Sarah Bartlett and some online resources and was amazed to find out that what the card is telling me is that right now, I need a period of rest and recuperation after a time of challenges. The issues I’m facing are still there, as indicated by the three swords, but for now I need to let them be. Its not a time for confrontation but a time for relaxing, taking it easy and making time for myself. The battle isn’t over but I need to stop fighting it for now.

The figure is in a trance-like state, apparently meditating and away from the outside world (as indicated by the scenes on the stained glass mirror), indicating the need for some solitude and alone time. Its not a time to make decisions, just a time to step back and reflect.

Just wow.

I don’t think I couldn’t ever have drawn a better card to show me exactly what I need right now. All I have to do now is listen and act on the advice I’ve been given!

 

 

 

 

Posted in ME/Chronic Fatigue

A New Journey

Its been a while and I’ve turned 40 since my last post. I honestly didn’t think it would bother me – I’ve always said that there’s no point in worrying about your age as there’s nothing you can do about it, age is just a number – you know, those old chestnuts.

Which is all well and good until it actually happens and you’re left with the sudden realisation that you are (if you’re lucky) now about half way through your life and what have you actually done with it? And what are you going to do with the rest of it? And how the hell did that just happen when it seems like yesterday that you were at school?

So many questions and no answers to be found anywhere. I don’t know if its hit me harder because I’ve lived the best part of my adult life in a sort of ‘semi state’ of living – not terribly ill but not terribly well either. I’ve not had the energy or means to fulfil most of my dreams yet and its fair to say that, so far, life isn’t working out quite the way I’d imagined it would.

Just recently, my M.E. symptoms have taken on a whole new life of their own with a big flare up and existing symptoms mutating and multiplying into a whole new monster. Pain and tiredness? Well, I’d got their number a long time ago. Annoying and limiting, yes, but I muddled along in my own way.  But that wasn’t enough for Mr ‘you won’t get the best of me’ M.E. Let’s throw in a bit of confusion, a lot of brain fog and some random pins and needles for good measure. Not forgetting the days when all you want to do is either cry or snap at someone. You were managing your job ok? Well, let’s see about that, shall we? You’ve started your Etsy shop again have you? Well, not on my watch.

I’ll hold my hands up now and admit I’ve been a bit of a misery this last month or so. Well done, Mr M.E., you got to me. One point to you, oh mighty one.

So I’m now at a crossroads. I can admit defeat and give in. Get signed off work and give in. Or I can fight it. I know which is the right thing to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it. But I am going to try.