Posted in Daily Card, Tarot

My Knight in Shining Armour

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I’ve been off work today with a migraine. I’ve still got a bit of a headache but I’m up and about now (in a fashion….) I don’t generally get them so I can really empathise with those who do. No fun.

So once I’d dragged myself out of bed this afternoon, I drew my daily tarot card. And who should appear but the Knight in Shining Armour himself? I’m struggling to work out what he’s trying to tell me.

Am I maybe waiting for my own knight (a.k.a long suffering husband) to get home from work so he can cheer me up?

Or is it a warning not to trust a work colleague who thinks they are everyone’s knight in shining armour? I already know this though so I’m not sure its that.

Or am I seeing something through rose-tinted glasses? I can’t think what though.

I read online that its difficult to know what the Knight of Cups is saying without looking at the other cards in a reading so maybe that’s why its not clear to me, as I only drew one card.

Or is it the way I chose my card? What I have been doing up to now is shuffling the cards (difficult with my small hands!), cutting the pack and then fanning the cards out and looking at them until I see the one which is ‘calling’ to me. Today I was caught between two cards so maybe I actually went for the wrong one, maybe it was the other card I should have picked?

So much to learn……!

 

Posted in ME/Chronic Fatigue, Self Awareness, Tarot

The Sunday Blues/The Reader’s Reading

Sunday. Always a strange day for me. No matter how hard I try, the second half of it is usually spent feeling a little miserable and anxious, knowing that another weekend will soon be over and it will be back to work tomorrow. I call this the ‘Sunday Blues’.

I know I’m not alone in this (other colleagues will hold their hands up and admit to this too) but I really need to get out of this habit of wishing my life away. Its going fast enough as it is. Something else to add to my ever growing list of ‘things I’d like to change about me’.

As so much in my life, the answer isn’t as straight forward as just getting a new job. I don’t think it would matter what job I was doing, unless it was something creative I would probably feel the same way. And I’m not sure the middle of an M.E. flare up is the best time to start looking for a new job!

Before the ‘Sunday Blues’ hit, I made time this morning to continue with week one’s exercises for The Alternative Tarot Course. Slightly scary stuff today – a six card spread which Beth created and called The Reader’s Reading. The idea is to learn more about yourself as a tarot reader. Each card represents one of six questions:

About me in general, what is my most important characteristic?

I drew the three of Pentacles.

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The three of Pentacles shows what appears to be an apprentice in discussion with two monks. It indicates teamwork and that all participants in the scene are valued (as the monks appear to be listening to what that apprentice has to say and they are all working together).

I think this card is telling me that my most important characteristic is that I don’t think I’m better than anyone else and am prepared to work with others to get to where we need to be, that I don’t particularly need or want individual praise.

What strengths do I already have as a Tarot reader, what am I bringing to the course?

I drew the ten of cups

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This card indicates happiness, contentment – the feeling that you have achieved all you want to in life especially in the areas of family and relationships. It can also reflect the personal set of values which you believe will lead to happiness and fulfilment.

I think that in terms of the strengths I already have as a tarot reader, this card is telling me my biggest strength is that I am really motivated to learn as much as I can and become better at it, knowing that it will bring me happiness and contentment. Its maybe part of a recent ‘light bulb moment’ I had when I realised I have to look into leading a more spiritual life and look after my mental well being (although I’m not sure what exactly that entails yet…..)

What limits do I feel as I start the course?

I drew the Emperor

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The Emperor represents authority, structure and stability. I guess this card is telling me not to rush, take shortcuts or expect too much too soon. And probably telling me not to give up when I’m struggling to read the cards!

What key lessons can I learn on my journey of learning tarot?

I drew the Hierophant (again!)

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Is it telling me to use the many resources available from experienced tarot readers to help me to learn? Or am I the Hierophant and its telling me to use my own intuition to help me to learn?

How can I be open to learning and developing on this journey?

I drew the five of Cups

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All about loss and disappointment. And regrets. I guess its telling me not to get disheartened!

What is the potential outcome of my Tarot journey?

I drew the six of pentacles

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An easy one, I think this card is showing me that if I keep on this journey, I will be able to use the tarot to help others as it helps me. Not necessarily for financial reward, more for an emotional reward – perhaps doing readings for friends or family.

Out of the six cards, the one which speaks to me most is the six of Pentacles and this is the one I’m going to keep with me during the rest of the course. I like the idea of getting good enough to be able to help others with readings.

 

Posted in Self Awareness, Spirituality, Tarot

Why Tarot and am I really a Hierophant?

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Now its the weekend, I’ve finally had chance to make a proper start on the Alternative Tarot Course. Week one is all about me as a tarot reader, why I want to learn to read the cards and create something to look back on when I’m more experienced. I’ve also found out how to calculate my tarot birth card which is apparently The Hierophant. But more on that later…

Its interesting to think a bit more about why I’ve now decided to start to seriously learn how to become better at reading the cards and I’ve used the prompts in the course to help me think about it.

What was my first experience of Tarot?

My first reading was about three years ago with a lovely lady who I knew (she was also our cat sitter amongst her many other talents). I thought I’d get a reading just for fun really but was blown away by the reading she did for me. I was going through a difficult time at work at the time and all of the cards I drew seemed to point to that situation and what I needed to do to protect myself. I think it was also a big moment for her too as I drew something like 6 Major Arcana cards in a 9 card spread. She said that had never happened to her before and that it was unusual for anyone to draw even one in the readings she had done for others.

I had another reading with her again maybe a year later when I was going through another difficult situation, this time personal. Again, all of the cards seemed to be talking to me about that situation and at that point I knew it was something I wanted to learn for myself. Sadly, my Tarot lady moved to the other end of the country so I’ve not had any more readings from her since but I still have her notes on those readings and I’m going to dig them out and reread them.

Why do I want to learn Tarot?

I bought my first (and so far only) deck not long after that second reading along with some books. I went with the Rider-Waite deck as it was the one she had used and appeared to be one of the most widely used. I’ve played with it a little since but have never really got to grips with it. For some reason, I’ve felt a calling to get back to it just recently and signed up the course to help me. I think that this has happened now because I’m at a low point in my life, health and work wise, and at some sort of crossroads. I’m feeling a pull towards living my life in a more spiritual way and Tarot fits in to that. I want to be able to use the cards to guide me, help me to answer questions and help me to find myself. I would like to get the confidence to read for others at some point but its more for me at the moment.

How do I feel about learning Tarot in three words?

Excited, inspired, daunted

Tarot’s main purpose for me?

To guide, to show the truth of a situation and to help provide answers.

Anything I don’t believe about Tarot?

I don’t believe it can predict the future but other than that, I’m opening to believing anything at this point.

What do I think the most important qualities of a Tarot reader are?

I’m struggling to answer this question. Maybe conviction in their own interpretations of the cards and a calm, unthreatening manner?

What do I hope to gain from learning Tarot?

More self assurance in my decision making, peace and calm in knowing I have some guidance, a more spiritual way of life, a deeper understanding of myself and others.

What will my main challenges be and how will I overcome them?

I think my biggest obstacles will be time and energy. Also I do have a tendency to be impatient and get disheartened quite easily. I’ll try to overcome them by allowing myself as much time as I need, setting aside time each day and using other resources such as other peoples’ blogs to inspire me.

So back to the Hierophant…..

My first reaction was that I’m more elephant than Hierophant! I saw that there is what appears to be a religious figure on a throne. It reminded me of a Catholic priest, dressed in fine robes and a crown of sorts, holding a gold cross. The figure appears to be ‘preaching’ to the other two figures. I couldn’t see much of myself in this scenario, I’ve never thought myself to be a leader of any kind and would hope that I don’t preach to people ūüėČ

As  I was struggling to relate to this card in any way, I decided to look up a few different interpretations of the Hierophant.

The fifth card of the Major Arcana, it represents traditional values and convention. I guess that is where the religious feel of the card comes in and why the card is sometimes known as the ‘High Priest’. The card suggests the desire to stay within the boundaries of what is acceptable, adapting to an existing set of beliefs. It can indicate a spiritual leader, guide or institution. It can relate to identifying with a group, belief system or following the rules. It can be about ‘doing the right thing’.

Now I’ve found out a bit more, I can identify a little more with the Hierophant. I have been told I have a strong sense of right and wrong and that I will always stand up for my beliefs. I am guilty sometimes of thinking I am right and therefore others must be wrong and when its an issue or cause I feel passionately about (such as animal cruelty), I do refuse to accept viewpoints other than my own.

I do also have an ingrained fear of breaking the rules and I have always been someone that people come to when they need someone to listen or need advice. I wouldn’t ever see myself as a leader or guide although I guess its possible other people might see me that way. Also, although I don’t always get it right, ¬†I do generally try to do the right thing.

So it turns out I do have more in common with my birthday Tarot¬†card than I first thought. I’m loving this course and how its making me think not only about the cards but also forcing me to be more honest about who I am.

Posted in Anxiety, ME/Chronic Fatigue, Zendoodle, Zentangle

And…….relax…..

Its been a lovely Saturday so far. We had a little look at a local car boot sale and picked up some bargains, got the food shopping done (with only a minimum amount of anxiety on my part) and then sat down to relax with the football on TV.

Its amazing how much better I feel mentally at the weekend. I’m still exhausted and my legs won’t let me walk very far but I feel much safer and less anxious when I can just potter around at home with just my other half and two cats for company. My house is definitely my safe place. The mask can come off and I can be me!

I’ve not felt much like creating recently but I decided I’d start work on a zendoodle drawing earlier this week. Zendoodle is loosely based on the Zentangle method but without the restrictions and rules. Its linked to mindfulness and meditation in that the drawing and creation of repetitive patterns and shapes is relaxing and focuses the mind, taking it away from the usual whirlwind of thoughts which are usually swirling around in there. It fits in perfectly with my attempts to meditate for at least ten minutes a day.

The watercolour background didn’t work out quite like I’d hoped (its supposed to be pinks and reds but just looks like a very washed out pink) so I’m going to add some more colour but here it is so far:

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Its something I need to do more. Relaxing but you also get a nice picture at the end of it too as an added bonus.

Posted in Anxiety, Daily Card, ME/Chronic Fatigue, Tarot

Judgement Day

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Well, that’s another weekend reached without me killing anyone at work. I’ve actually felt a little more in control today which is good.

I’ve always wished I could be one of those people who can take whatever is thrown at them and remain completely unruffled. Inside, they may be seething or distraught but on the outside, they stay as calm as can be.

I used to be like that but these days, I have more of a tendency towards seeing red mist and blowing up. I don’t know if it is my M.E. (which I recently found out can cause mood swings/disturbances) or anxiety but some days I feel like a very coiled spring waiting to explode. Like a cartoon character with steam coming out of their ears .Which isn’t good when you have to go to work or have relationships. Or have any kind of interaction with people……

Every time I blow up, I tell myself it will be the last time and that I will learn to control it. But old resentments and past ‘injustices’ are always there, festering away in the background and I somehow don’t have the self-control I wish I had. Its hard to explain but it does seem like it could be anxiety-related and if things aren’t going the way I expect or hope, it throws me a curveball and this is how I react. Its almost a reaction to the panic I’m experiencing and an involuntary reaction at that.

So how interesting that the Tarot card I drew today was one from the Major Arcana, Judgement. I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m at a crossroads where I can either let everything in my past go and move forwards or continue to let the past hang over me and affect the rest of my life.

I see an angel (I believe its supposed to be the Angel Gabriel) sounding a horn which seems to be summoning the people rising up from the coffins. They are coming to be judged. There are mountains and water which look a bit like a barrier meaning that they cannot escape and that this judgement will happen no matter what. Are they to be judged on their past actions?

I think this card is telling me that I need to make some changes and also to let go of things which are holding me back. It feels like it could maybe be indicate a fresh start, almost ¬†a ‘second chance’. I think its telling me (like cards in previous days) that I have to accept that I am who I am and I can still achieve what I want to achieve despite the limitations of my health issues. I think its telling me to stop beating myself up for past mistakes (like being unable to control my emotions) and to make a fresh start from now, working towards being the person I want to be rather than the person defined by my illness. I think I’ve know this all along but its only now I’ve started to realise this. I’ve already started to make those changes (practising meditation, learning to read the Tarot cards, looking into a belief system which has always ‘spoken to me’) and I think the card is telling me that I’m one of those people rising out of the coffin, ready for Judgement Day.

 

 

Posted in Anxiety, Daily Card, ME/Chronic Fatigue, Tarot

Four of Swords

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I feel a bit like I’m in the eye of the storm at the moment. There are difficult people in my life (the types who sap the life out of you but aren’t easily removed from it) and I feel like I’m being tested to the absolute limit of what I can take. False promises, a roller coaster of ups and downs and the constant fear that the next action I take will be either cry or rip someone’s head off……

Work is the main problem and the truth is that I’m not really well enough to be there. I could give in and get signed off by the doctor for a couple of weeks but I wonder if that would be the best idea, whether I would ever get going again. The M.E. flare up which has been going on for a while now has been joined by my old friend ‘Anxiety’ who didn’t want to miss the party. The more anxious I feel, the more exhausted I am. And the more exhausted I am, the more anxious I get.

And of course, the anxiety is completely irrational. But isn’t it always? I met a friend at lunchtime today and we laughed about how irrational it is, she gets it. We laughed at how I want to book my next tattoo and haven’t done so yet as I’m too anxious to walk into the tattooists. Completely irrational as I’ve been loads of times before and everyone in there is nice anyway. So I’m going to go in next week (in theory….) and book it and if I have any last minute changes of heart, I need to remember us laughing about it today.

Despite everything, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m starting to re-accept my illnesses and look for ways I can make my life feel more worthwhile within my limitations. I’m going to get back into creating for my Etsy shop, get into a regular routine for meditating, look into finding a more spiritual way of life not in a religious sense, just some how) and get that tattoo booked at last!

And of course carry on with my attempts to learn the tarot. When I have a bit of time to breathe at the weekend, I’m going to work through the week one exercises of the Alternative Tarot Course. For now, I chose another card for today with the question ‘what advice can you give me today?’

I shuffled, spread the cards and the one which called to me was the ‘Four of Swords’. To be honest, I didn’t really have a clue what this card means. The things which came to mind initially were:

  • is it some kind of warning – the way the swords are hanging precariously over the figure?
  • is he asleep or dead?
  • does the card laying flat indicate what you think you know but the other three indicate that what you believe is incorrect?
  • is the figure lying in a church? why?

No clue at all what it was trying to tell me.

So, I looked up the interpretations of the card in the Tarot Bible by Sarah Bartlett and some online resources and was amazed to find out that what the card is telling me is that right now, I need a period of rest and recuperation after a time of challenges. The issues I’m facing are still there, as indicated by the three swords, but for now I need to let them be. Its not a time for confrontation but a time for relaxing, taking it easy and making time for myself. The battle isn’t over but I need to stop fighting it for now.

The figure is in a trance-like state, apparently meditating and away from the outside world (as indicated by the scenes on the stained glass mirror), indicating the need for some solitude and alone time. Its not a time to make decisions, just a time to step back and reflect.

Just wow.

I don’t think I couldn’t ever have drawn a better card to show me exactly what I need right now. All I have to do now is listen and act on the advice I’ve been given!

 

 

 

 

Posted in Daily Card, Tarot

The Two of Wands

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Today was another landmark day of adjusting to life as a middle-aged woman. I was summoned by the doctors to attend a free health check offered to those who have just turned 40. They’ll test my blood for glucose, cholesterol and kidney problems and put all the information into some kind of calculator to predict the likelihood of me getting heart disease.

Joy.

It doesn’t seem like two minutes since the biggest thing I had to worry about was when the next night out was happening and now they’re predicting my prospects of getting heart disease!

It was also day two of my mission to learn Tarot. The card I drew today was the two of wands. I had a go at interpreting it myself first  without looking it up. The thoughts I had were:

  • some kind of expectation – he appears to be looking out to sea expecting to see something
  • indication of the start of a journey of some sort
  • start of some kind of creative venture
  • ‘the whole world is in your hands’
  • he almost looks as though he is surveying his empire?

I found this one easier to interpret than most or so I thought! I looked at some other interpretations in books and online and it seems everyone has different ideas for this card. This is why I think I’ve got confused and disheartened in the past – there isn’t a right or wrong answer and I think that’s what I was expecting. It seems I have to come to my own interpretations of the cards!

What did resonate with me today is the idea that this card signifies that there is the potential for something great to happen on the horizon (as indicated by the first wand which you are holding in your hand) but that there is something holding you back (the second wand is attached to the wall). So something is almost within your grasp but there is something holding you back – either your situation or another person, fear of change etc.

That does seem to tie in with how I’m feeling at the moment. I feel like there’s so much more I could be doing with my life (especially artistically/creatively) but its my health issues that are holding me back. When I looked at it this way, I found that what initially looked like a positive card is actually, for me at this time, a difficult card as its a reminder of what could be or could have been…….but maybe what could still be?